scared

First of all I'd like to thank Arsenio hall for saying that his audience "deserves" Mariah Carey, because he's right.  Listening to Mariah is a privilege, not a right.

I was cleaning my room and stressing about my bedding.  I want to change my spring/summer bedding out for my fall/winter bedding but I've been resisting it because I keep thinking that I'm about to move anyways so I don't want to get it all out of it's storage deep in the bowels of my closet.  But after last nights hail storm (wtf) I just really feel like I want my cozy down blanket on my bed.  Of course the hoarder in me attached incredible weight and symbolism to the act of changing my bedding.  I was like, 'well this is it, i'm making my bed for the next 6 months, i'm going to be stuck here, i'm never getting out of construction hell...'

I started thinking about what was holding me back from just making a decision, and all it is is fear.  I mean, justifiable fear in a lot of ways, I would feel a lot less fearful if I had a job or home lined up anywhere, but still all it is is fear.  I know that if I had to I could move to any random place and be ok, but how do you reconcile that knot you always have in the pit of your stomach?

At this point I realized that mariah's cover of, "i wanna know what love is" came on my computer.  I was listening to her hit those high notes and was thinking, 'what must it be like to be able to do something so incredibly so casually.  To be so confident when doing something that requires so much skill and talent'

And then the video above popped in to my head.   This video is amazing because you can really see how nervous and scared she was to perform live.  The beginning is incredibly awkward, she's so stiff, if it weren't for her amazing perm (my mom totally had that hairstyle) I don't know if I'd even be able to watch the beginning.  But as soon as she hits that first high note you can see the relief wash across her face.  Even then though, you can tell every time something difficult is about to come up because she gets so tense and nervous.  It isn't until the very very end that you see her finally be able to just smile and sing and know that she did it.

So why do I expect to feel any differently at this point in my life.  I think because i've done so many things I expect that they would bring with them a sense of confidence, but i'm still nervous whenever i put myself out there.  And maybe mariah still is nervous when she performs live.  I guess the point is that every body's scared of everything, it's when you dive head first in to the fear that you end up having the best experiences.

thanks mariah, once again you've inspired me to change my life for the better.